Circumstancial Evidence

The happy stuff from a while ago:

I have faith in everything. Despite those seldom times when things don't go as planned...I know on some level that all this work and improvement was for a reason. For my future. Little things accumulate until one day at a time, I see my future. And it's going to be amazing. And I'm going to be happy. And I'll never be alone.

This is how life is supposed to feel! Your heart is supposed to be breaking with happiness. Your head is supposed to be on autopilot so you can follow your heart. You are supposed to have people be so much a part of your life that you carry them with you...and can't wait to share every moment and emotion and dream and thought with them. You are supposed to have FAITH in people and in yourself. ANd you're supposed to look at your past with a mended heart and forgive...and look at your future and smile and bask in and hope for everything you don't know.

I'm exploding with excitement in what's to come and pride in what has passed. And even as the time comes nearer when I have to draw the line between what remains in the past and who takes those first fateful steps into the future with me... I'm learning to love the bittersweet bends in the path.

Yesterday and Today:

Yesterday...I got pissed. I did. But I got it all out here and so I was fine as soon as I got off. I spent all night listening to the amazing CDs James sent me via mail and playing with all the new things I bought yesterday. I got some of the cutest stuff. Yay me.

But last night, for no real reason, I just felt sick I missed him so much. "I'm lonely, but as long as I'm not alone I can be distracted from it." I finally fell asleep around 2.

This morning it was all humid and icky. But I liked it anyway. Went to church and ALEX SHAP WAS THERE??? She was playing her trumpet for Fr. Jim's birthday! And so the Lambert's were there, but I unfortunately couldn't go to lunch with them afterwards because I was leaving so soon to be with Amanda and going to the AP party.

But I stayed after with Stan and we talked and he made a point of mentioning that he broke up with his girlfriend of a year and a half and met some girl online and just as I'm about to roll my eyes and sigh...I think he started flirting. I think. I don't know. It was strange. He got very quiet and looked at me intensely and started complimenting me. ANd joking around a lot and ... I was kind of confused.

Luckily Tom came by and I thanked him for his present and hoped that Bernadette was okay...blah blah blah. Stan pulled me aside again and started talking to me about Coldplay because I lent him my CDs so he could burn a copy. I told him that there were some songs we could actually use in mass...and he got really excited. And he asked in a strange tone when I'd be home again...I felt kind of uncomfortable. He is such an incredible guy but his timing is off and it just wont work anymore. I could be completely wrong. He probalby doesn't even like me. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing.

But I told him when I was coming home and told him how excited I was to leave and mentioned James. Just to get that out in the air. I told him how everything clicked and was great and I've only known him for this short time. Stan got really quiet and sat on the piano bench and looked at me. He laughed hesitantly and said it sounded like I found someone wonderful and that I deserve it. Sweet of him to say.

We started talking about something else I don't remember as he walked me out to the car. I wish I could pick that boy's brain for a day. So I wouldn't have to be so confused about him. 7 years of wondering. I could sware in the back of my mind I'm not crazy. But what good does it do now? None.

Anyway I'm off to go to the park and look for my sunglasses because I lost them after James came over and didn't know until I needed them yesterday...I ALWAYS lose things when I'm stressed. Then I'm taking Titan for a short walk, cleaning the floors and my room, making a quick lunch, and Amanda's coming to get me so we can hang out and watch a baseball game beofore leaving for Gutman's house. All good fun.

Thanks to everyone who commented, you're super great and I love you with all my heart <3.